


Performance Review

by randomizer



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Epistolary, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-16 10:53:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16952664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomizer/pseuds/randomizer
Summary: The Judge is judged.





	Performance Review

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sphinxvictorian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sphinxvictorian/gifts).



> Author's Note: This is one of the rare times in the Jeremy Bearimy timeline in which the main character of a fic and the fic category itself coincide. That point in time will not occur again for another two thousand human years.

As soon as Gen enters her chambers, she observes several things. First, the breakfast burrito that she had anticipated eating is not waiting on her desk. Second, nothing else is on her desk, either. Third, in point of fact, there actually _is_ no desk, or anything other than a large screen faced by a chair, in her chambers. Gen closes her eyes for a moment, sighing inaudibly. This transformation can only mean one thing: they’ve reached another “r” in the Jeremy Bearimy afterlife timeline. Another performance review is at hand.

The voice of her Supervisor fills the empty chambers. “Hello, Gen. Please take a seat.”

Grimacing slightly to herself, Gen lowers herself carefully into a chair that has apparently been specifically designed to be uncomfortable. She has a feeling that this review isn’t going to be one of her better ones. Gen closes her eyes again, this time seeing an imaginary greeting sign in her mind’s eye:

The Supervisor’s voice reverberates once again. “Slides of your results will be displayed on the screen. When you are ready to advance to the next slide, please push the button.” Gen glances to her left and sees that a large red button has appeared there, helpfully labeled “Next.”

 

**\----------**

**Name:** Judge Hydrogen (Gen)

 **Position:** Eternal Neutral Zone Judge

 **Job Description:** Arbitrate any and all disputes between the Good Place and the Bad Place. Settle ethical and metaphysical debates. Assist the Head Accountant in determining afterlife point values for human actions.

 **Years in Current Position:** N/A

**\----------**

Gen braces herself, taps the red button, and waits.

 

**\----------**

**Dependability**

**Because Gen resides in the Neutral Zone between the Good Place and the Bad Place, she should be consistently available in her chambers to receive any and all paperwork for judging assignments. A growing concern, however, has been Gen’s tendency to sequester herself in order to watch a surfeit of human-created television shows. This tendency, unfortunately, has resulted in a steadily diminishing graph of her professional availability. In the future, we would like Gen to respect the parameters of her professional empowerment by adhering strictly to managerial expectations of curtailing inappropriate behavior and concentrating strictly on assignments while at work.**

**Dependability Points**

  * **Watches 362 episodes of _NCIS_ : **–724 (2 points per episode)
  * **Delivers insightful commentary on _NCIS_ : **–2,543
  * **Pauses _The Haunting of Hill House_ right before episode eight to process incoming paperwork: **+320



**_Overall Dependability Rating:_ ** _Needs Improvement_  
****

**\----------**

This one might be fair enough, Gen thinks. She herself is a little embarrassed about that NCIS rabbit hole. Truth be told, ever since Netflix arrived in the universe (both the Good and the Bad Places take credit for it, and a case can be made for either), she’s been spending a lot more time binging and a lot less time studying legal precedent in past cases while waiting for paperwork to appear. But really, who can blame her? Before the four humans, she hadn’t had a really interesting new case in years, not since Mindy St. Claire. Most of her professional work these days merely includes listening to philosophers argue over nothing at all and helping the Accounting department decide on the point values of endless human actions (and does it even matter if “watches cat walk on guest’s dinner plate without saying anything” is –371 or –372?). If that’s all you have to do in your workday, who wouldn’t turn to _The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina_ and _Stranger Things_ every once in awhile?

 

**\----------**

**Adaptability**

**Gen has had unusual challenges in this performance cycle, and in general she responded to those challenges satisfactorily. The most significant of these challenges was the sudden appearance of four humans in her chambers, asking for a judgment regarding their fitness for The Good Place. Although the humans had filed no paperwork and had no advocate, Gen’s ability to transubstantiate creative recommendations and ideas into practical applications was commendable. The subsequent tests that she devised for each of the humans to assess their Good Place fitness demonstrated both flexibility and efficiency under difficult circumstances.**  
****

**Adaptability Points**  
****

  * **Devises individually-tailored Good Place tests for each human:** +932
  * **Becomes overly distracted by Tahani’s accent while devising tests:** –98
  * **Becomes overly distracted by Tahani’s legs while devising tests:** –651



**_Overall Adaptability Rating:_ ** _Meets Expectations_  
****

**\----------**

It takes Gen a moment to shake off the sound of Tahani’s voice and the image of her legs enough to concentrate on the slide in front of her. When she does, she’s a little disgruntled to realize that her admirable reaction to four humans arriving in her chambers unexpectedly apparently only merits a measly “Meets Expectations.” Whose expectations? Gen is pretty proud of how quickly she created tests for the humans, and how effective those tests turned out to be. She’d like to see what the Supervisor would have done if anything like that ever happened to him, and she’d also like to see how the Supervisor would have managed not to have been distracted by Tahani’s . . . well, everything!

 

**\----------**

**Core Knowledge**

**Because entities at Gen’s salary grade are not all-knowing, effective research skills are an important aspect of an impactful performance for an Eternal Neutral Zone Judge. In the recent case involving the four humans, Gen was able to absorb the totality of their entire existences well within the expected productivity parameter of one human microsecond. Her thoroughness, efficiency, and creative application of the information she acquired are to be commended.**  
****

**Core Knowledge Points**  
****

  * **Learns statistics for every past, current, and future player on the Jacksonville Jaguars:** –43
  * **Spends extra time studying Tahani’s records to ensure thoroughness and fairness:** +1023
  * **Reads every word of Chidi’s original dissertation:** +83



**_Overall Core Knowledge Rating:_ ** _Regularly Exceeds Expectations_  
****

**\----------**

Gen shudders a little as she recalls Chidi’s dissertation. She’s surprised that all that time she had spent on Tahani has apparently been deemed worthy of positive points in Core Knowledge, rather than negative points somewhere else (honestly, she probably didn’t have to be _quite_ as thorough as she had been, especially when it came to Tahani’s romantic life), but what the Supervisor apparently doesn’t realize won’t hurt anyone.

 

\----------

**Communication**

**On the whole, Gen takes pains to ensure that all meetings with clients are action-oriented and encourage cooperation, open communication, and the sharing of knowledge. However, as soon as she issues a ruling, Gen is required to provide her Supervisor with a detailed writeup regarding her decision and its ultimate outcome. Although Gen has been prompt and thorough about this requirement in the past, she has yet to provide a report regarding the current status of the four humans who were recently Judged. This tardiness is an unfortunate blemish on an otherwise satisfactory communications record.**  
****

**Communication Points**  
****

  * **Sincerely attempts to explain Jason’s test to Jason:** +32
  * **Describes the plot of _Lucifer_ to a group of Good Place architects: **+982
  * **Describes the plot of _Lucifer_ to a group of Bad Place demons: **–982



**_Overall Communication Rating:_ ** _Needs Improvement_  
****

\----------

Damn that report. She’s tried several times to start it, of course she has. Gen knows that letting Michael and Janet escape back to Earth demands justification and explanation, especially since her Supervisor needs to know their status if he’s going to request the best resources to stop them. Still, every time Gen starts to write, she pictures Michael, Janet and the four humans, and something makes her pause. Whether that something is fear of a well-deserved reprimand, or whether deep down she doesn’t really want them all to be caught and sent to the Bad Place, she can’t really say.

 

\----------

**Service to Clients**

**Gen’s regular “clients” include representatives from both the Good and Bad Places, who regularly ask her to adjudicate cases involving both recently deceased humans and ongoing philosophical debates. Consequently, to function at peak capacity in her position Eternal Neutral Zone Judge, Gen must consciously keep herself apart from the concerns and interests of humans. While this goal was relatively easy to accomplish at the time that the universe was created, it has become increasingly more difficult lately, especially with the existence of social media (a product of the Bad Place that has had a negative effect on the overall balance of the universe). Although we acknowledge these challenges, we are concerned that Gen has become overly engaged with human life, and we expect reducing this regrettable engagement to be a key work objective in the next performance cycle. In addition, Gen often behaves in an overtly friendly manner with clients, even at the risk of crossing personal boundaries. Despite these issues, Gen’s arbitration in cases involving metaphysical and ethical debates is much appreciated, and we expect that these worthy contributions will continue in the future.**  
****

**Service to Clients Points**  
****

  * **Provides definitive rulings on free will versus determinism; science versus faith; the meaning of life; what humans owe to each other; and whether all humans are morally obligated to quit Facebook and stop using Amazon:** +3,810
  * **Refuses to listen to testimony from Nietzsche on the God is Dead issue:** –91
  * **Reviews Eleanor and Chidi’s relationships in all of Michael’s reboots for no apparent work-related reason:** –2,911



**_Overall Service to Clients Rating:_ ** _Meets Expectations_  
****

\----------

Gen can’t help smiling at this one. Chidi is as cute as a moral philosopher can be (which isn’t all that cute, truthfully, but Chidi is something else), and he and Eleanor obviously bring out the best in each other. And man, if they don’t want her binging on human television, what is she supposed to do? Binging on all of the Chidi/Eleanor scenes in Michael’s reboots is something that no being—human or otherwise—can be expected to resist. She’ll take the points hit for that one. At least nobody seemed to realize just how much time she spent on attempt #218. She knows that Michael had to be desperate when he tried that one, but Gen has played Tahani/Eleanor on loop in her chambers for much longer than she cares to admit.

 

\----------

**Problem Solving**

**In general, Gen is both detail-oriented and possessed of the ability to think outside of the box. The most challenging problem that Gen has faced in the performance cycle under review has undoubtedly emerged as a result of her decision to allow the four humans to return to Earth. Although her full report regarding that situation is still pending, we have been able to determine that the hoped-for results of that decision have been unfortunately tainted by the fact that a rogue demon and a hyper-advanced Janet have also traveled to Earth, interfering with the organic progress and development of the newly-alive four humans. Although we acknowledge that this situation is both unusual and delicate, decisive action is paramount, and Gen has not attempted to put forth any concrete plan to prevent unfortunate and potentially dangerous scenarios.**  
****

**Problem-Solving Points**  
****

  * **Devises a new recipe for microwavable nachos:** +72
  * **Allows Michael and Janet to escape back to Earth:** –2,982
  * **Figures out the killer in every season of _Veronica Mars_ : **+8
  * **Fails to realize that the most famous actor in the cast is usually the killer:** –32



**_Overall Problem-Solving Rating:_ ** _Below Expectations_

\----------

After blinking at the screen for several moments (Man, why had she never figured out that thing about the famous actors? So obvious!), Gen can’t do anything except shrug. She knows that she could have— _should_ have—caught Michael and Janet and sent them to The Bad Place, where they certainly belong for a hundred different reasons. Sure, Janet’s stuff had been materializing all over the place, but Gen also had the ability to move that stuff to a more convenient location. She hadn’t done that, of course, and whatever punishment stemming from that failure is on her. If the universe isn’t orderly, if actions don’t have consequences, if point values don’t matter, what’s the point of an Eternal Judge, anyway?

 

**§§§**

When it is finally over, Gen dematerializes out of her chambers and goes to find Jeff the Doorman. They have had an uneasy relationship ever since Michael and Janet had escaped back to Earth, but right now, she feels like checking in with him.

Gen finds Jeff carefully arranging a new ceramic frog pencil holder on his desk. He looks up when he hears her approach. “Hey. You just had yours?”

She nods. “You?”

Jeff shrugs. “Yeah. Told me I need improvement in Communication. Don’t know why. I’m a chatty guy.”

“I got a few of those too. Dude, those humans—nothing but trouble for us. I mean, the timeline that they created keeps getting worse and worse. Do you know that _The Walking Dead_ and _The Big Bang Theory_ are winning Emmys now?” Gen watches Jeff carefully to gauge his expression.

“Yup. Couldn’t believe it. Hope they catch them soon and everything goes back to normal.” Jeff catches Gen’s eye and smiles so quickly that Gen isn’t sure if she had seen it at all.

“Yeah, man. Too bad they managed to slip past you on their way out.” Gen’s voice isn’t accusatory at all, and Jeff apparently realizes it.

“Too bad you couldn’t blink all of Janet’s stuff out of existence, so you weren’t boxed in. Should have been an easy move for you.” Jeff’s smile lasts for a fraction longer this time.

Gen shrugs. “Guess I froze.”

“Guess so. Pretty lucky for them.” Jeff is fingering one of his frogs thoughtfully.

Gen and Jeff look at each other for a moment. Gen wonders if Jeff, like her, is secretly relieved that their Supervisor is not omniscient, that he can’t know that Team Cockroach might have unexpected fans who are willing to put their performance reviews on the line for a good cause. Gen wishes that she had the power to view current events on Earth instead of merely past ones, so she could see for herself how Michael, Janet, and the others are getting on. She doesn’t know what the future holds, but she’s betting that somehow, some way, because of these four humans, one demon, and one Janet, the next time the “r” rolls around in the Jeremy Bearimy timeline, everything in the afterlife might be entirely different.

 

**§§§**

After Gen’s performance review is complete, the Supervisor rubs the bridge of his nose and sighs. He finds these sessions wearying, especially when he has to deliver less-than-stellar appraisals to his direct reports. His next review is with the Head Accountant, and he’s not looking forward to it at all.

One more step remains: the final summary, the one that he saves for himself rather than showing it either to its subject or to Eternal Entity Resources.

**Gen has become genuinely engaged with humanity during this performance cycle. Although her interest in Tahani has proved considerably distracting (a fact which I decided to overlook occasionally, because Tahani is a particular challenge for which none of us were fully prepared to meet), in general, Gen’s actions have contributed substantially to one of the overall objectives of the Neutral Zone: supporting Michael and the humans in their quest. Per instructions, this objective has never been explicitly communicated to Gen, because her behavior must arise from an ethical free will rather than from a desire for tangible reward. Gen has performed admirably in unusual circumstances, and her work has been much appreciated by the entire team.**

**Overall Rating: Regularly Exceeds Expectations**  
****

The Supervisor reads what he has written and smiles. Everything, he thinks, is going exactly according to the Plan.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Yuletide, sphinxvictorian! I hope this little fic pleases you!


End file.
